No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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