Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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