Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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