What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
