Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
