i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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