Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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