You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Randomize
