So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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