So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
