Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
