Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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