yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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