If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
