My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
