i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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