I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
