Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
