All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
