did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
