i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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