not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
