Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
