you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
