you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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