i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
