i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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