I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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