I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
