Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
