I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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