i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
