I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
