took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
