Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just cut my nipple shaving
farters have to be the big spoon...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
