you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize