just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
