She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
