her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
