imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
