I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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