I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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