college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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