His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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