he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
