Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
