Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
