Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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