At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
