cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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