I think my fart just growled at me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
