Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
