I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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